I just took a survey asking if I am happy.

As it turns out, I am. Happy.

I’m writing a book and the working title is Mantras for Your BEST ThirdThird.  A mantra topic that isn’t on the list right now but maybe should be is, “Sad takes more energy than happy.” I have experienced and observed that being/staying sad wears you out. 

Somewhere along the line, I became a grateful person.  I learned to be a satisfied and contented human being. I’m a glass-mostly-full type person for sure but I wouldn’t have necessarily considered myself “happy” because that sounds like more of an extroverted, active emotion. Google tells me different, though.

Happy:

• Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
• Fortunate and convenient.

As in:

Contented, cheerful, cheery, joyful, delighted, smiling, beaming, grinning, glowing, satisfied, gratified, buoyant, in a good mood, tickled pink, as pleased as punch, and etc. etc. etc.

When I see those words, yes, I would say I am very happy. Somehow, identifying as happy got me thinking about the ways I could be sad, but I am not.

I’ll start with the proverbial elephant in the room. 

I have terminal cancer.

I might miss my grandkids’ graduations and weddings. My kids will be sad to have me die and that makes me sad. Dave will miss me. Every once in a while Joel tells me, “I know you’re still here but THIS is what I will miss when you are gone.”

— I could be sad about all of that and more if I think about it too long.

But, instead, I am happy that I am reminded every day of what we all should probably have as our driving force.…

today might be my last day on earth.  

It is really a relief to me not to wonder IF I will get cancer someday or how I might die someday or IF I will live to be 94 like my mother did. Granted, there are no guarantees and already with the new immunotherapy drugs, I have “bonus days” and am more active and able than anyone thought I would be only a few months ago.

I am really happy that I have these days to enjoy each of our children and their spouses and all the grandkids. It even makes me happy to watch reruns of “Hawaii 5-0” with Joel because he enjoys it so much.  I have been so blessed (using the word very accurately) by the way each of our kids (now very much adults) has found a unique way to communicate their respect and love for me. I treasure every phone call and text and hug that comes.  That produces much more energy than being sad about what I might miss.

I could be sad that I don’t have the energy or time to connect with people on a personal level like I would like to. 

I value authentic relationships that go way beneath the surface.  Due to energy levels, doctor appointments, susceptibility to Covid, and frankly, just wanting to stay home, my one-on-one connections are few and for some, limited to phone calls.

But, I am very happy that I have good peeps who keep in touch with me, even if we are limited in actual face-to-face time. And even if I don’t respond quickly (or at all).  A few have nudged me to get out for a pedicure and lunch for my birthday (thanks, Shelly and Christy) even when I didn’t think I was able. Another friend let me put her off for 8 months before we could have lunch. A couple newer to our friends list regularly comes out to visit and watch the birds with us.  Another couple definitely in our older friends list stopped in for a visit as they were driving a distance. One friend has even offered to take on the role of “driving Miss Debbie” if it comes to that. All of that and those make me happy.  I have saved personal notes that have arrived via USPS or email or text because they make me happy.

I could be sad about my current physical condition.

A year (no exaggeration) of relative inactivity has taken its toll. I have gained my weight back (thanks to prednisone and the urge to eat anything in sight), but everything seems to have been redistributed. And my stamina is sorely lacking,

But, I am happy I apparently look much better than I did at one point in my illness. I am very happy that I walked a mile last week for the first time in a year!  I have recently needed to make the decision to stop the successful immunotherapy treatments because the side effects have become a quality of life issue for me.  Now, without the constant war against ITCHING, I am determined to build up my distance t0 three miles. I think I will also try a gentle yoga class at the YMCA. If I do those 2 things, I hope it will remind and motivate me to use the weights I bought that mostly sit idle. Feeling better is a good thing.

I suppose I could be sad that I have had to stop the treatment that has seemed to benefit me. 

But, I feel deeply relieved to be able to sleep without waking to switch out ice packs. I am happy to wear some different clothes. I’ve been limited to a few items that were non-itchy enough for me to tolerate them.  I’m happy to walk my mile without having to come home to ice myself to calm down the ITCHING.  After months, that itching had become an overwhelming controlling factor in my life. I had a fairly significant allergic reaction to my last infusion which was a medical emergency and that helped my decision. I am happy to have arrived at a decision that I am confident is the best for me. Besides, when I look back at my journal, it seems to me that radiation had the biggest and quickest effect on my cancer. A scheduled scan will give some insight into actual immunotherapy results in a few weeks and we may know more.

Since I wrote my last blog piece that spread my news of cancer to a broader audience than the tight circle I had limited it to, I have been so encouraged by notes and comments assuring me I have been a positive influence to many. That makes me oh, so very happy.

When the survey I took asked when I had last been happy, I replied, “Yesterday morning, sitting on my front porch drinking coffee and watching the birds.”

This past week, I have also been so happy to drive myself to a yoga class and to do a few errands. I have enjoyed elevated energy to have lunch with a friend. I’ve made some pretty tasty meals in the kitchen I designed and enjoy.

It makes me especially happy to sit by our fire pit in this unseasonably pleasant late August weather and sip a bit of scotch with my husband of 49 years (happy anniversary to us!) waiting for the sun to set.

Just like each of you, I really have no idea when I will die. BUT, I’m happy to have the daily reminder to savor every day and not waste energy or time by being sad (for very long).