Assuming is one of the biggest mistakes we all make in relationships.
We often assume that the person we are around is the same as we are. We assume we know what they are thinking. We assume they will enjoy the same things we enjoy… will appreciate the same gifts, the same food, the same approach.
Assuming is rarely helpful. Unless it is assuming the BEST, until proven otherwise.
In contrast to assuming, understanding is key to any relationship. And DiSC is one of the best tools for understanding that I have ever come across.
A concern some people have about taking the DiSC assessment is that they don’t want to be labeled. There can be temptation to “label” some obvious people-traits. However, the reason to learn about your pre-wired behavioral preferences is to understand yourself and others and that should trump the fear of a few people misusing information. And, it can help you avoid making assumptions.
I write about DiSC and behavior preferences so we can all grow in understanding… we can all getting along… we can all succeed.
» Understanding that a “D” will come up with quick solutions helps you to be ready to tap into that potential problem solver.
» Understanding that an “I” will process information verbally helps with patience in hearing them out.
» Understanding that an “S” fears conflict and will usually look for the compromise helps make use of their strengths.
» Understanding that a “C” is thinking while others are talking helps as a reminder to access that brain trust by opening the door to hear their ideas.
As a manager, as an employee, as a leader, as a team member, as a coach, as a friend….in any relationship, awareness and understanding from DiSC can give you an edge. It is much more effective than making assumptions.
Grow in your understanding by discovering your unique wiring.
In my long-time pursuit of fitness, I have done a lot of different activities. I loved sports when I was younger and that was enough, along with being active with my 5 kids, for a long time. But when I was recovering from a neuro-muscular disease and needed to rehab shrunken muscle fibers, I found that I really loved weight lifting. I liked the evident progress that came from increased strength. I loved it so much that I would make myself do some cardio before allowing myself weight time!
A few years ago, I discovered classes that I enjoyed. “Women and Weights” was at one gym. BodyPump with 800 reps in an hour was at another. There came a time, though that my more strenuous weight lifting and bouncy cardio was giving me some new aches and pains. My lower back was often achy. I found myself limping some when my right hip complained. It was time for something with less impact.
So… I tried a yoga/tai-chi/pilates class. Two things happened:
- My aching back and sore hip got back into behaving as they should.
- I was sore! I thought that I was in great shape and that yoga would set me back, but not so! I was using muscles in new, and evidently, better ways for my over-60 body.
Now, I am a regular yoga practicer (practitioner?). Sometimes in a class, sometimes at home with a video. I recently tried a “power yoga” class that stretched me (pun slightly intended) and went to a new level. I love the instructor who gently corrected some of my poses and encouraged me with my progress.
If you have been wanting to try yoga but don’t know where or how to start, here is an idea.
I am a featured writer for sixtyandme.com, a huge on-line community of women over 60. I am happy to pass along this information about the gentle yoga video series they offer. This is definitely beginning yoga, so have no fear of being sore or needing to be super limber or strong to begin.
Check it out at HERE.
This might just get you moving more with fewer aches and pains!
*****Of course, if you are a beginner and under 60, you might like them, too!
One of my Mantras is, “Be Intentional”.
Do what you say you will do… but think about it first.
Hmmm. I can’t remember the moment I decided to live with intention, but most people who know me would probably use the word to describe me. It might have come from watching people not be intentional. It might have come from the hard lessons of the frustration that comes from letting others direct my efforts or decide my focus. Whatever the source, “be intentional” has become an almost daily mantra for me.
I can’t just tell myself to be intentional, I have to have a strategy or a plan to guide my behaviors, thoughts, and actions so that I actually become intentional.
[a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim.]Here is my intentional strategy:
- Know what I believe. I don’t have to tell everyone every thought and/or opinion I have, but I should know what I believe and why if I want to be sure I am doing or not doing what is important to me.
- Decide for myself how I spend my time. There are television shows that I might enjoy or benefit from. There are books and magazines worth reading. There are people who will add to my life if I spend time with them. If I choose for myself, I will be less likely to succumb to advertising and marketing ploys for things I really do not want to steal my time away.
- Don’t say “yes” or “no” too quickly. Take time to consider how I commit my time and energy. There will be consequences to any decision and I am wise to be as much in control of my decisions and actions as possible.
- Don’t blame others for my own choices and results. Own my own efforts and decisions. Apologize when necessary. Reimburse when appropriate. Accept credit and praise graciously. Say thank you and “I am sorry.”
- Live without regrets. If I consciously, intentionally decide what to say, how to spend time, who to be with, what to do, then the chances of having regrets is slim.
We can’t become intentional on accident. What is your strategy?
I referred to myself as “old” at a physical therapy session recently and the PT (who is about 35, I’m guessing) chided me. I was using the term a bit tongue-in-cheek, because I don’t really feel old. In my head. Aging is real.
In my referral to this PT, I saw that my doctor referred to me as a “trim, pleasant, 64 year old woman” and it unnerved me a bit. Really? Me? A “64 year old woman?” That non-personal way of describing me caught me off guard. (At least she called me pleasant!)
In my head, I know I am 64, but I am still as energetic
and quick and robust, physically, as I have ever been.
Reality, though is that I am beginning to feel as if I’m “getting there” in terms of feeling old-er.
Who knew that our bodies start to poop out after 30? (Professional athletes know, I suppose.)
If I had thought of it, it makes logical sense that:
- Hips that have kept me moving for 64+ years might start to show some wear and tear.
- Birthing 5 babies (only one of five being under 8 lbs), might show up later…much later…in ways other than the joy of having grandkids.
At 64, I might not have hearing that is as acute or eyesight as keen or energy as abounding as 30 years ago.
And who knew that melatonin and its sleep benefits starts to poop out as well!? I read recently in a blog about all sorts of people “of an age” who wake at 2:00 a.m. Dare I say, “Me, too?”
Truth is, I do feel like I’m aging every day if I focus on what isn’t working as well as I want it to.
This week, I have decided that I am NOT a runner. I can walk distances at a hearty clip for a while, but running just isn’t working for me. After trying for more than a year to get my lungs and legs to the point they might keep going for more than a mile, I admit that I just don’t have a runner’s body (the physical therapist convinced me). That source of frustration and inner conflict is gone….runner, no more.
While my husband is in Colorado, acclimating to the high elevation of Steamboat Springs for a 50-mile ultra-marathon, I have decided I am not a runner. He sees running as what he was created to do. He is most alive running. He has studied and planned and prepared for this run…and there will be others.
Dave’s great love of running is why I tried to love it….and why I am able to lay it aside. It’s not for me.
I’m not giving up my goal of staying fit and active into my 80’s…no way! But, I will be more realistic about what that will look like. And I will do what I enjoy, not what frustrates.
As with most things, this is a mind-set problem.
I can think of myself as “old” or “pre-elderly” or “aging.”
OR I can focus on keeping myself active and engaged, planning to be fit and active into my 80’s and beyond….with just a little bit of tweaking as I go along.
Change is good.
I’ve been thinking lately about how different I am from who I was.
Who I was….a third ago, two thirds ago, ten years ago, six years ago.
I go back to my journals to see that I have changed. Really changed. Inside and out.
A long-lost, recently-reconnected friend observed that I am “still in Illinois.” True…but oh, so incomplete in my reality. Still in Illinois, 36 years later, but with 7 different addresses, several businesses started/grown/sold/let die. Kids birthed and educated and grown. Untold relationships. Uncountable miles traveled.
And here I am …. still in Illinois. Happier than I thought I would be. Happier than I thought I could be. Better than I was.
How has this happened?
The most basic explanation is that I was willing to change. I was willing to risk becoming unrecognizably different to be better.
How have I changed?
I’ve made new friends.
At one point, I realized I wanted to be better. I read from Jim Rohn that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So… I sought out new friends who were more like who I wanted to be.
I’ve moved to new places.
A few times, they were my idea. A few times (including the hardest one) were my husband’s idea. But I knew that to stay where I was would mean staying the way I was. Moving from a small house to a larger one with remodeling needs gave needed space. Moving from city to acreage gave much opportunity for development and growth. Moving back to town saved much commuting time and opened up new possibilities. Moving to another state was a whole new culture adventure. Each move (there are others, not listed) meant that I had to adapt and learn and change.
I’ve traveled to developing countries.
My first trip was on a mission trip with our daughter to Honduras. That developed into an oft repeated experience that took me back to Honduras, to El Salvador, to Armenia and eastern European and central Asian countries, eventually with Habitat for Humanity as a volunteer leader. For a number of years, I trekked several times a year to developing countries to sweat and serve. It changed me and many others who traveled along with me. And, hopefully, we helped change the lives of the people we served.
I’ve been up for adventures.
Backpacking? Yes. Whitewater rafting? Yes. Horse trips? Yes. Camping in the snow? Yes. Working at a ski resort? Yes. Learning to love Chicago and the Cubs? Yes. Heading to the Jersey shore with Joel when we didn’t really know what we’d find? Yes. Attending a brutal speaking workshop? Yes. Driving cross country to deliver a car to a son? Yes. Learning a new profession and industry after age 50? Yes. Often, I was a bit scared and unsure, but go, I did. And I’m glad.
I’ve learned not to panic.
Bad news is going to come, no matter where we are and who we are. Hard times will happen to us. What we hope happens will not always come. “This too shall pass” is a true and useful statement. Dealing with the current reality and knowing/trusting that I have survived and grown from other disappointments and difficulties keeps me pushing ahead, changing, and smiling at the future.
Years ago, I found myself in a difficult change situation, where I was called upon to be the “change agent” in an environment that really wanted to maintain status quo. One friend who recognized my challenge and my efforts, gave me a bookmark that said, “Change is good. YOU go first!” I loved it! That is when I embraced myself as a change agent, seeing possibilities and desiring to go forward in new and better ways. Mostly, along the way, I’ve been changing myself into someone better and happier.
So yes, I’m still in Illinois, but I’m not the same person.
Staying fit and healthy in my ThirdThird is an everyday choice.
Get out and move daily.
Consider my diet.
Drink lots of water.
AND, it is not really so hard once it became a habit.
Long ago, I decided that I would not add weight as I age, forming one of my life mantras, It’s easier to keep it off than take it off. I saw others around me adding a pound or two or five every year, and realized it would sneak up on me if I didn’t consciously take control.
So, I determined to keep it off.
With clear motivation (keep it off), it’s simple. Really. Even though, the older I get the more intentional I must be.
When my kids were all at home, there were things we simply did not have in our home. Soda. Chips. Store-bought cookies or cakes. Partly, it was an economic decision. Feeding a family of 7 required some thriftiness and those extras can be expensive.
Partly, it was a life lesson that things you don’t have all the time are more special. Pop or soda was more fun if it was an occasional treat. Having store-bought cake at a friend’s birthday party added to the fun.
Partly, it was a lesson in nutrition. One of the big ideas in Younger Next Year is “Don’t eat crap.” Garbage in, garbage out…. except for the extra weight and fat that stays.
Staying fit and healthy is a choice.
I was brought up in a fairly typical middle class family in the 50’s and 60’s surviving on Betty Crocker and Post Toasties and Hostess. So, it was a conscious decision to become a scratch-baker and to learn about nutrition and the role diet plays in our overall health. It made sense to me, even in the 70’s, that less sugar was better and that enjoying pure foods in moderation was better than eating chemicals and saturated fats by the forkful.
Now, my kids are out of the house and I could have those things around if I wanted to with fewer mouths to feed and no one I am consciously setting an example for. Truth is, I don’t want them. They aren’t even tempting. I don’t like the way they make me feel.
In Thinner This Year, by Chris Crowley and Jen Sacheck, they point out that in the US, for most people, 35% of the total calorie intake comes from added sugars and solid fat.
I’m pretty sure that is shocking to most of us.
You can train your brain to only want food that is good for you. Choose to cut out one bad-habit food that you know you should not be eating… in fact, that you feel a little guilty about eating. Stop eating it for 3 days and see how you feel.
I would wager that you will find that you don’t want it after a few days. And, if you are guilt free, the benefits will be more than avoiding a few empty calories. Emotionally, you’ll be pleased with yourself and that just might result in more energy and the inspiration to be better in other ways.
Understanding your sources of energy is basic if you want more of it. In the same way, understanding what drains your energy is just as important.
Do more of what gives you energy + Do less of what drains you
Plan for re-energizing after necessary times of draining activity.
Based on the DiSC model, people are usually either energized or sapped of energy by people contact. For some, being around others is key to their joy and sense of worth, while others are drained from a day of constant contact with other people. My husband used to come home from a long day of interacting with people and just want to sit quietly. I, however, had spent a day with our kids, longing for adult conversation. I wanted to sit and talk. Energy drains at work!
A task can have the same type of effect….either energizing or sapping. Give one person a difficult task to accomplish and you charge them up. Another person, faced with the same “opportunity” may want to run and hide. Those are some basic hints to your energy.
There are little energy drains all around, not as easily defined, that can nag without being identified, if unnamed.
I took an assessment once that came from the idea that there are habits we have or don’t have that drain or give us energy. If we can identify them and change them, one by one, we will have more natural energy and be more productive. From the assessment, I found a few habits that I realized really were annoying me….and robbing me of energy.
A silly thing, to some, but as I checked “no” on the statement that “my car is in excellent condition”, I realized that it irritated me every time I got into my car and noticed it needs to be vacuumed. For years, I had kids at home that I could pay to clean my car. However, that was no longer an option. They were all grown up and vacuuming (or not vacuuming) their own cars. My car, was un-vacuumed. And it took a bit of energy from me every time I got in my car.
As small as it may seem, keeping my car vacuumed and washed, turned out to be a step forward in reducing negative energy for me. I made a small, but energy producing change that made a fairly significant difference.
After getting into the habit of keeping my car a bit more tidy, I tackled filing papers and receipts, updating my will, and consistently contributing to savings—and “no” as answers on my assessment. Each of those turned out to be positive step to boost my energy on going forward instead of avoiding being annoyed by things I hadn’t done.
Deeply rooted, good character comes from good habits. An occasional habit-inventory is a good way to keep focused on purposefully living YourBestThirdThird. Any energy we still have at this stage is important to be positive.
“Your character is the sum total of your habits.” – Rick Warren
I read the book “Younger Next Year for Women” last year and it made sense to me. Their prescription of eating wisely and having good relationships are not much of a change for me. But, exercising an hour a day for the rest of my life, if I want to stay fit and active into my 80’s, is more of a challenge.
I have always been athletic and I enjoy fitness classes and can make myself spend time on an elliptical machine if I have a good book to distract me. That is not really enough if I want to really be fit. And I do want to be really fit, not just sort of fit.
Running, I decided, at age 63-and-a-half, is what I will do.
And, so, I do. Run. Regularly (not daily). (And not all that fast.)
I throw in some mixed yoga/pilates/taichi classes in and have discovered cycling
classes on bad weather or very cold days, but, running is what I am trying to learn to like to do. It’s cheap (good shoes are not expensive compared to buying gear for some others exercise options), it fits in our environment (no mountains or lakes nearby), and there is no real reason that I shouldn’t or can’t run.
All I had to do is to change my thinking from “I hate running” to “I am thankful I can run and it will help me stay fit and active into my 80’s if I do it regularly” and I was on my way.
It is a challenge, though. I have to constantly remind myself that I want to run. Progress is slow. I keep track of my runs so I know that my progress is slow. It can be boring, since I think I should not have earphones on.
But, I am sticking with it.
Here are 5 things that I am learning about sticking with running as an “older” runner:
1. Competition should not be your primary motivation.
I do think that if I keep running, there will be a time that I will be able to earn a medal in some race somewhere (as in, if I keep running long enough, there will be no one else in my age group), but at this point, my speed and endurance are not impressive…especially compared to others who have been running longer.I have to focus on my reason for running…to stay fit and active into my 80’s (and beyond)and forget competing.
2. Don’t listen to 20- or 30-somethings who give you advice about running.
When I was first starting, I tried to find sympathy about the challenges of being a novice runner. “Just add a quarter mile every week and you’ll be fine.” “Run sprints once a week.” “You’ll see progress fast if you stick with it.” I soon realized these young whipper snappers, though well-meaning, have no idea what I am facing (and is before them).
3. Find a route that is at least somewhat pleasant that gives you options.
I have a route in my neighborhood that I can make 1.8 miles, 2.3 miles, or 3 miles. There are some days that the long route feels good and I am willing to make time for it. There are other days that I know I have to get out of the house and a shorter one is the one that I will do. It makes it easier to get out and do something if I know where/what I am going to do. Going to the track and running laps is not very pleasant, I think.
4. Invest in a pair of good running shoes, bought from a running store.
Purchasing running shoes on your own when you are starting to run is crazy (in my opinion), especially when you are older. There are so many versions, it is extremely helpful to go to a place where they can analyze your gait, measure you correctly, and find the best features for your feet. They often will have “last year’s model” in the back for a discounted price, so ask. They also might be able to order in a different color if you object to the one they have available in your size (I didn’t realize I am picky about color of running shoes, but…)
5. Find a good massage therapist.
I used to think that getting a massage was a luxury. It is now a legitimate, occasional need. I have found a woman who really knows her stuff. Her massages are not what I would call relaxing, but they put me back together and make some hip and back discomfort disappear. She also has helped me understand that always running on the same side of the road that is sloped is probably going to result in some need to see her.
I am sure that as I go on, I will continue to learn. The other day, I used my running time to compose a keynote address in my head and I took 3 minutes off my 3-mile run! My runner-husband has been telling me that “it is all in my head” and that I can do more. I see what he means, now. When I wasn’t thinking about how much I am not enjoying running or how tired my legs feel, I ran further and faster, with no ill effects.
I am not ready to enter any races. I am concerned that if I perform poorly (according to my standards), I will be discouraged. I am wired to be competitive and right now, I am simply competing against my own natural aging process.
Medals and ribbons are not the goal.
Being fit and active into my 80’s (and beyond) is the goal.
What do you want in your thirdthird?
Do you know what would bring you satisfaction and fulfillment?
Before we come to the final step of actually writing your Personal Mission Statement, have you had the chance to think about what you value, which qualities are important to you, or which strengths you possess?
Do you know what it will take to truly satisfy you?
Here is a true one-day story in my life that was life lesson and showed me the importance of identifying, and communicating, what would satisfy me.
Early in the day, I spoke on the phone with a friend who was complaining about her husband coming home and playing with her children instead of helping her with the after-dinner clean up. I reminded her that a few weeks before, she had told me she wished he would spend more time with the children when he came home from work instead of helping her in the kitchen. “hmmp,” she responded. “This isn’t what I meant.”
A few hours later, I was on the phone with another friend. I asked her if she wanted to run to the store with me. “No,” she said. “I have to go to town with my husband. He is picking up horse feed and then we’ll get a burger.” I told her that was awesome! She had told me a week before that she had told her husband she wished he would include her in his life more. “Going to town for horse feed and a burger is not what I had in mind,” she told me.
Later that day, Dave and I ended up in the same room at the same time for a bit and I told him I had been thinking about something and wanted his perspective. “I think men want their wives to be satisfied,” I told him. No argument from him. “In fact, I think I understand that even if it is only because their lives will be easier, they want their wives to be happy, right?” He was warming to my topic.
I had been thinking all day that these two husbands, both of whom I knew well, had every intention of satisfying their respective wives by doing what they thought their wife wanted. One clearly had heard his wife say she would be happier if he spent more time with their children in the evenings, so he did exactly what he thought would satisfy his wife. The other husband had clearly heard his wife tell him that she wanted him to include her more in his life which was very full with a job and then a large horse business with his father. His intention was to satisfy her longing to spend more time together by asking her to ride along with him on chores.
But, neither wife was satisfied. And it was not their husbands’ fault (at least not this time).
My conclusion, which I shared with Dave, was that if we could assume that men wanted their wives to be happy and that they would change their behavior to that end if they had a clue what to do, then it is a wife’s responsibility to determine what will satisfy her. And to communicate that to her husband. (And then, possibly, to remember it.)
A man wants a happy wife. If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy and all that. A lot of men, I am sure want to please their wives because they love them deeply. But, even if the only reason is to simplify their own life and minimize the at-home drama and stress, a man doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that a satisfied wife is a better life.
So, the responsibility for my own personal satisfaction lies squarely with me. I need to determine what will satisfy me. Not an easy task, really, with so many options and so little time (or discipline) to sort through all the options to determine what will deeply, not just make me happy for a moment, but satisfy me.
Dave whole-heartedly agreed with my conclusions. Men want their wives to be satisfied. It would be helpful if women figured out what would satisfy them and then communicate that to their husbands. Complete agreement, we had on this topic, that day.
On that particular day, Dave and I had an anniversary coming up. Our 25th, as a matter of fact. I had been thinking about something significant to celebrate the fairly amazing fact that we had made it to year 25. We aren’t that great at celebrating ourselves. I don’t think Dave would argue that he has not exactly been the best at gifting.
“Okay, then. I have decided what will satisfy me for our 25th anniversary. I want a ring.” I do think Dave went a little pale at that point. He told me later his first thought was, “Oh, no. She finally wants a diamond.”
“I want a ring. And I want to like it, so I will pick it out. But I want you to buy it and give it to me in a way that will make it special. That is what will satisfy me for our 25th anniversary.”
I have to admit that I sort of surprised myself. I am extremely practical….to a fault at times, I admit. Strengths in excess and all that. I have been satisfied for 39+ years with the $40 white gold band Dave gave me when we married. But, for some reason, I wanted a ring for our 25th anniversary. Not to replace anything but to commemorate and celebrate 25 years of making it. An anniversary ring.
I went off looking for a ring that would satisfy me. At Sam’s , I looked at anniversary rings and the salesperson told me they were very popular….which made me want something different. Not what everyone else had. For several weeks, I casually looked at rings at the mall, in jewelry stores, on other women’s fingers. Finally, I went into a specialty jewelry store and saw it. And tried it on. I liked it because it was different.
Rectangular blue sapphire stone, bevel cut. Two tiny diamonds to the side (I liked it inspite of the diamonds and because they were, if they had to be there, tiny). The salesperson told me it was one of a kind…..and that if I wanted it, I should at least put it on lay-away so it would be there for our anniversary. That one-of-a-kind, not-to-be-found-elsewhere ring was truly what would satisfy me.
I told Dave about the ring. He agreed to go and see it. This was in May. Our anniversary is in August. We could put it on lay-away to wait for our anniversary. I had it planned and now it was just Dave’s responsibility to buy it and present it in a way that I would be surprised.
At the store, I tried it on. Dave admired it. He asked me if I really liked it. Was this the ring that would satisfy me? Yes. Definitely. “Then,” my relieved and attentive husband said, “we will take it. Today.”
No waiting for August. Presented in a very clever and thoughtful way. He had heard what I said would satisfy me. And he did it.
I was completely satisfied because I had thought about it. I had considered and weighed and, a crucial piece,—I believed that Dave wanted to satisfy me.
Now, it is a regular practice of mine to think about what will satisfy me. It is not always Dave’s responsibility to satisfy me, of course. I think through options for my day, purchases I need to make, the way I want to dress. Then, I make sure that the way I spend my time and/or my energy and/or my money will be satisfying…that I will be happy with my decision and investment.
Being satisfied is a good way to be at peace.
(full disclosure….I remember this as being a all-in-one-day mantra day, but I have a feeling that actually, it took a little longer for me to reach this good and deep insight.)